Conflicted much.

I think 2014 has decided it was too good that it is now offsetting in 2015.

What an emotional ride today I don't know what to feel.
The day started feeling all so good sweating everything out after a long time, playing badminton and table tennis during drawing class hahaha, how fun, with the cute prof, with an opponent-turned-friend, I think I played more than I drew HAHA. To think about it, I'm quite thankful for the time sweating, releasing all the stress and whatever that is taking up the volume in my heart, as if to prepare for what was about to happen next.

My work was said to be a plagiarism. "Plagiarism is too strong a word," the prof said, yeah I think so too, but I can't think of any other word for it, oh well. I didn't even know I plagiarised lol. This time round, her face was so red lol, so so red I think it must have been a really big shock to her, because she thought I drew the design. I actually felt bad because her face was really really really red lol, in a few seconds the work that she liked (I think, lol) turned into a disastrous nightmare. Maybe she couldn't believe that she approved it so easily at the last consult. The shock was so great that she shook me literally (hahaha I didn't know the impact was that big). Thankfully, I was calm. Oh well, I guess it's miscommunication. I really didn't know my method was not okay, that it was considered plagiarism in a way, well, I never knew. I did say I photoshopped though, oh well. A part of me feels wronged, then again, I guess we only think we are wrong when we do the wrong things, and wronged when things turn out wrong. Maybe, it was a mistake I was blinded to. Maybe, it is a lesson learnt the hard way. Hopefully things will turn out fine. On the flip side, maybe it's a good lesson learnt now while I'm still in year one, the year to make all the stupidest mistakes. Alright, let's leave that as that, and move on, after all, it's just an assignment, I guess.

Please please please, tomorrow please be nice to me :(

Mercies in disguise.

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the achings of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy

And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

"All you want is for people to watch it."

Heh, I'm really happy that my recent works gained a few words of praises from the teachers. The feeling is not the same as those kind words people offer when they see your work I guess, because deep down inside you know your work really isn't good enough lol. That feeling is more like a "you, a professional in this whole art thing, actually agree with me that it's quite good a work", hahaha probably because as an (student) artist, you know it, you just know, when your work is good and when it's not (or maybe it's just me). And then when the professor and lecturer affirm your work, it just made everything so worth it. That sense of achievement, that satisfaction, that confirmation, that excitement, that moment, wah hahaha :') One of the rare times I get affirmations for my work yayyy HAHAHA. I really liked Ina's reaction hahaha. I like lky too :)

Spaced Out

Father of Singapore- Lee Kuan Yew

Ray Pang said, "When you make a film, all you want is for people to watch it. Winning an award is just a bonus." At my stage, I guess evoking emotions and having people to talk about it is a bonus. 

Thanks, Dad :)

#godsfavourlailiao

Let's do it again!

Hahaha hullo Dad!(:

It's 3 months into 2015, things haven't been fantastic I guess, but still manageable. Ever since the 3 days school week started, workload has been fair enough, probably a little less than everyone else haha, and that fact probably created more procrastination from my side, more laidback, less urgency, less inspiration, less motivation, possibly more empty hahaha. With that extra time I had, I don't even recall anything of value done lol, what a waste. People, it's a first losing someone so dear to me, someone that I never knew I would lose. It was painful putting that crane, seeing the family crying so hard, it just ached my heart so much, so much. As everything replays in my mind all over again right now, I'm scared. I really hope those moments never replay itself again. Losing someone is scary, I don't want to lose anyone again. Just don't. Things with You, well, lukewarm for quite a long while, close to 3 months, life wasn't especially nice without You during this season. Can I welcome another season already?

Yesterday's lifegroup was pretty refreshing, for the first time I didn't have to be the guitarist for worship, could just enjoy and really worship You heh. Today's even better woohooooo, refreshed by the shepherding, I think we are getting better at this HAHA, opening up deeper slowly but surely. She asked a question, which reminded me of my very first lifegroup in nanyang. Those really intimate times, times when the lifegroup was indeed a pillar of support, strength and great joy, the times when people bared their souls, the times when everyone is just there for everybody, supporting and encouraging one another, the times when everyone went home very very refreshed and charged up at the end of the day, the times when we were all fighting to serve, fighting to bless, the times when abs could possibly grow because we were laughing so hard, hahaha I don't even remember any day that we didn't laugh hard. Those were the days when idette was there. And then I look at myself today, where did idette go lol. Found my leader's blog, and I am very encouraged, very blessed by it. The vulnerability, the humility, the love, the courage, the trust, the volume of God in her life, so evident, so in awe. Brokenness mended and whole. Broken vessels, so beautiful :') And then I look at myself, again lol, what am I doing in my life HAHA. Wandering around, settling with the minimums, pointless overthinking, wasting time which I could have invested in God, in people, in growing myself, so many other things.

So yes, come back idette. It's about time to call everything in this season to end, and embark on a new one. It has been quite an emotionally and mentally draining ride. Maybe, struggling is the point. Coming out just a little wiser, hopefully hahaha. And then reminding myself, what do I believe in?

I believe in You, God the Father.
Help me Lord, to do life with You. Help me to see things from Your view, to love people with Your love. I want to make my life count for You. It's not going to be easy, but I'll try, hahaha I try okay heh.

Yayyy hahaha, changed my url from hidingunderyourwings because nah, I don't want to hide anymore hahahaha, perfect love casts out fears, so fear no more and courage on!

Thank You for today :)

In every victory, let it be said of me, my source of strength, my source of hope, is Christ alone.